Equality?

I was watching a new report yesterday about the president off South Africa. He is a polygamist and has 3 wives. The question came up if it was possible to have equality in a plural marriage? The expert they interviewed said there was no possibility of equality. My first reaction (and my nearly 24 hour reaction) was to scream- YES there is equality!

But as I was taking my shower tonight I got to thinking about the topic again. Equality. I have to say perhaps my view has shifted. Not to the same view as the expert- who for the only reason saw no equality because it involved more than 2 people. But, I started thinking- Do I love my kids equally? For sure I love them with the same intensity, but it is equal? The only answer I could come up with is- no. What I love about one child I do not necessarily love about the other. My one daughter is very quiet, as my other is very loud. I love both the quiet and the loud, but I do not love my quiet child for being loud- because that is not her. She is not equally as loud, nor is my louder more expressive child equally as quiet. But there is joy in both of them- for equal love, but for different reasons.

It is easy to say we love our kids- no more one than another. That somehow when you had your second one, she was able to fit right in and fill your heart with even more love, love you didn’t even know you could have room for. But having a child or loving your kid for different reasons but for sure with the same passion and devotion has nothing to do with plural partners- or does it?

I have a very large circle of friends. Most of them are stay at home mothers. Do they feel they are lacking because they do not have a societal view of a “real job”? Taken that many of my friends are highly educated, teachers, scientist and professors and they choose to stay home and not work it is clear to me that being mothers is their passion, their work. They do not feel less than another woman because she choose to work- no.

What about the mother that works out of the house. Does she feel any less equal than the woman who choose to stay home? No- because this is her equal choice to work. But these two women are vastly different and valuable and worthy of love for the unique individuals that they are. They can not be loved the same, because they are not the same- this is such a beautiful thing. Would you want your parents to love you for exactly the same reasons they loved your sibling? No. So why would one think that in a plural marriage you could love people equally when no two people are ever equally the same- just was wonderful, of course, but beautifully different.

It became clear to me that equality is a society coined phrase that means nothing. Equality is a word that is thrown out there to label feelings, judgments and preconceived molds about who we are or should be. You must measure up! It is no longer society approved for a woman to stay home and raise kids if she could be equal to a man and work in corporate America. It is not equally acceptable to be a stay at home father when your wive works- you should have a “real job”.

It is impossible to love two people with the same passion and devotion because someone has to be less- at least if you listen to all the people who think that equality exist, but yet the same people say that equality doesn’t exist. Well, people are not treated equal, because every person is different. There will never be two people who are equal- and thank god.  Would you want another Hitler? Or another Saddam?  Lets find joy in the non-equality.

So- can equality in a plural marriage exist? No…